Illustration by Beatriz Choi
And so, gentle reader, School Lockdown: The Sequel is well and truly upon us. Unavoidably, that means a return to online teaching and an exciting term at Saint Mum and Dad’s Home School For The Perennially Exasperated. Sharing is caring? Not when it’s the sharing of working space, tech, energy levels, kitchen tables, broadband width and heightened emotions, it’s not. When the best bit of the situation is not having to yell ‘Shoes! Teeth!’ again and again into an abyss at 7.30am, they’d better not make this a trilogy.
Each day, your children’s teachers appear as a series of glowing, soft-focused, disembodied heads, attempting to cajole, convince and console your offspring into action. Eyes and teeth, darlings, eyes and teeth! Heroes they most certainly are; jolly good fellows which nobody can deny. But compared to you, they pale into insignificance. You are always there: The Head of Pastoral and Discipline; The Technical Support Team; The Teaching Assistant; The Catering Staff and The Estates Manager. Prep Suzette sees you and salutes you: your endeavours, trials and tribulations do not go unnoticed. To be honest, you are sometimes our favourite part of the lesson.
So, in the spirit of the late, lamented top teenage rag Smash Hits and based upon our recent observations, we are proud to present Talk ÍÑ¿ã°É’s ‘Which Online Parent Are You?’ Quiz. Just answer the questions below and discover your digital-parenting style in moments!
Question 1
The first lesson of the day is...
A) A vital opportunity to set the tone for today’s learning journey.
B) A vital opportunity to kick back with an Irish coffee now that ‘the school run’ is over and done with.
C) A vital opportunity to gingerly test whether or not your broadband feels like co-operating today.
D) A vital opportunity to slink to your favourite corner where you may observe all lessons juuuuuuust out of camera shot. You’ve got this spot perfected.
Question 2
It is time for child’s daily physical-activity session. Do you...
A) Get into gym kit and join in. The sooner your child learns how great you are at hockey, the better.
B) Put on PE with Joe and slump down on the sofa to watch The Nation’s PE Teacher sweat it out. That half bottle of Chablis left over in the fridge won’t drink itself!
C) Breathe a sigh of relief. Fresh air = no screen rage.
D) Send the children out, no matter the weather. It’s all been very intense and you need some me-time.
Question 3
Halfway through this afternoon’s lesson your child’s laptop freezes. Do you...
A) Whip out the back-up device you have on permanent charge. Not a moment of learning shall be missed!
B) Carry on with your afternoon nap: you have a pounding headache. Can’t imagine why...
C) Hurl the infernal contraption against the wall with a howl of bestial rage.
D) Dig in and watch. It is simply a question of waiting this out. If the teacher was up to scratch, they’d have set extension tasks for this sort of moment.
Mostly As
You are... Top of The Class
Well, aren’t you just super? You’ve never quite left behind your role as Prefect/Milk Monitor/Teacher’s Pet and now is your time to shine. Again. Maybe you’ll get a badge. Or a certificate. You are always there, beside your child, ensuring that the learning doesn’t stop for a second and always happy to correct the teacher in front of all the children when they are ‘mistaken’. You are monarch of the social-media groups, happy to advocate and feed back to the teacher on behalf of everyone. They are soooooo grateful.
Time to kick back and relax, safe in the knowledge that you are still the super-swot you always were. Bottle of fizz for you!
Mostly Bs
You are... Good Morning, Mojito
Living under lockdown offers a wealth of opportunities; some people just don’t know how to look on the bright side of life. Now there’s always time for that bucks fizz at breakfast, a white sangria for elevenses, wine with lunch and… well, the list goes on, doesn’t it? As you casually wander (stumble?) across your kitchen, you always smile adoringly at your offspring beavering away at the table: a little nip of something just helps us all to see the best in them.
Time to kick back and relax, safe in the knowledge that your children are being taught brilliantly and cocktail hour is just around the corner. Trebles all round!
Mostly Cs
You are... The Technophobe
Computers are perfectly reasonable things and you are really quite adept, but your child’s device is just beyond the pale. It must have been constructed in the depths of Satan’s own workshop. Whenever you go near it, the screen freezes; mute becomes the only option; and your broadband slips to an elephantine pace. Despite your hours on the telephone to customer services and gazing at online tutorials, you must accept defeat and admit to your beloved child that you are, in fact, an utter Luddite, incapable of bringing their much-cherished device back to the land of the living.
Time to kick back and relax, safe in the knowledge that your child’s school is packed with brilliantly capable and caring teachers who will scoop your children up on their inevitable return to school and have them flying again in no time. In short, don’t panic Mr(s). Mannering. A schooner or two of port tonight, but not of the USB variety.
Mostly Ds
You are... The Lurking Shadow
Like Batman, the darkness is your friend. From your vantage point, somewhere just out of reach of your child’s webcam, you see all, hear all and, most importantly, judge all. No teacher has ever seen you or heard you; they just… sense you. To spice things up, you carefully stage-manage blink-and-you'll-miss-it Woman in Black moments throughout the day, when you glide past in the background with an interesting prop: a brass candlestick; a ceramic dog; an interesting hat-box, perchance. You dare yourself to make each day more extravagant than the last. Your movement is so quick, so precise, that part of the fun is not knowing whether you were seen at all. What thrills! You are the star of your very own Where’s Wally; a moment of frivolity amidst the brooding, silent, lonely judging that forms most of your day.
Time to kick back and relax, safe in the secret knowledge that you are still fun. Piña colada, with an umbrella, if you please!