The big return to school next week, after almost a year spent mostly at home and out of the classroom, will feel very different. It’s important that we take it slowly, give our children time to adjust, anticipate their emotions and offer plenty of support.
After being cocooned together for so long, keeping safe and adjusting and adapting to a strange new way for life, we’ll need to give our children – no matter what their age – the encouragement and space to find their feet through yet another change. It may be the same school and even the same classroom but things will not be the same. New routines, wearing face masks in class, ongoing Covid tests and being in separate bubbles to friends are just a few of the things that may feel hard. It is unclear how the rest of the school year will unfold, so we need to be mindful of a continued feeling of uncertainty and unease.
However we experienced lockdown, getting back to school will feel strange for us AND our kids. Some may be ecstatic and relieved but others may feel overwhelmed, anxious or apprehensive – or, as is very likely, a mixture of all these at once. There is lots we can do to help smooth the way and our kids to feel safe and successful.
Normalising emotions, building their confidence and ensuring they feel heard will be key. We are all a little overwhelmed and confused about the easing of lockdown and returning to a life we have not seen for many months. Tuning into our children and showing them that we know how they feel – as well as giving them space, time and support – will be important in helping them feel optimistic and ready to enthusiastically embrace the transition and change.
Here are five practical steps to support your children with the return to school:
1. Let your children talk.
Mixed in with the excitement about seeing their friends is likely to be apprehension about how school will look and feel. For some children, perhaps the more introverted, they may have thrived at home, while others may have found working at home tough and fear they have fallen behind. Some children may have started a new school last September with little time to adjust or make new friends – or they may be finishing their school this year and are anxious that they need to cram it all in before July. We can expect to see some of these worries and big feelings emerge in our kids’ behaviour – whether it’s withdrawing, finding it hard to concentrate or being unusually moody or rude.
We need to make the time to listen. One of the hardest tasks of parenting is to resist the urge to solve our children’s problems. It’s very tempting to reassure our kids that ‘It’ll all be fine’ or ‘You don’t need to worry’, but with these words, although well-meaning, we don’t give them the opportunity to acknowledge their worries, learn that all emotions are OK and develop their own coping skills and strategies.
If we make it our job to listen hard, validate and empathise, we’re building their self-awareness and their resilience. The first step towards learning to manage and handle tough and uncomfortable emotions is to identify them and let them out. When we teach our kids that ALL emotions are OK, they can start learning to manage and problem-solve.
Our goal is to be their safe place to voice all their worries without judgment, pity or dismissing their feelings:
‘I can understand that you are worried about wearing a mask in class.’
‘That sounds tough to be in a different bubble from Sarah. You love playing with her at break.’
‘I can imagine you’re worried that you’ve fallen behind.’
Listening to and acknowledging their apprehensions builds their capacity to manage and bounce back from stress and setbacks. These life skills are key – not only for an unusual back-to-school but also to thrive in uncertain times.
2. Make a plan.
It’s a great idea to use the days before school starts to sit down with your children during a quiet moment to listen and talk and plan. Depending on whether your child is at boarding school or day school – and keeping their age and temperament in mind – discuss and set out plans for things they can control and agree on some good routines. Planning and routine help kids feel safe, secure and help them manage anxiety and stress, giving their brains the chance to process what is about to happen and get prepared. We know that young people everywhere are experiencing higher levels of stress and anxiety due to the wide-ranging impact of Covid-19. Uncertainty is one cause of anxiety and teaching kids to focus their energy on things over which they have some control is important. Routines provide an anchor, a sense of security and help our children manage stress.
It’s best to come up with routines and plans together. In fact, let your kids take the lead, as feelings of independence and competence build confidence and are empowering:
‘I see that school suggests that you bring less stuff this term. What do you think you’ll need? Great idea to make a list. I can scribe.’
‘How should we manage the dreaded transition back-to-school bedtimes?’
Be calm, positive and acknowledge all their contributions. Asking and listening reinforces their belief in themselves, their ability to cope and teaches them wonderful, stress-busting organisational skills.
3. Be a role model.
We say that parenting is 80 per cent modelling. We are our children’s most important teacher and they pick up, copy and take on board all we do – including how we respond to stress and uncertainty. We may be feeling overwhelmed and uneasy about the transition back to school too (after all, we’ve had our children unusually close for almost a year). Focusing on optimism (even if you are inherently a pessimist) and having a flexible and responsive approach to change help kids to reframe thoughts from what they have lost and what might have changed to what they have. It is a valuable life skill.
Acknowledging their concern while teaching them how to reframe a negative into a positive might sound like this:
‘I know it’s sad and disappointing that Elsa isn’t in your bubble because she’s in the other class. You love laughing with her during break. I’m wondering what you can organise so that you can see each other on the weekend?’
‘I am really going to miss my study buddies! I can’t believe you won’t be next to me at my desk. I think I’m going to organise a walk with Sophie on Monday so we can catch up and it’ll boost my spirits.’
We can model a constructive, calm, optimistic, realistic and confident approach to back-to-school with the words we choose, the actions we take and the expressions on our faces.
4. Focus on all the things they get right.
Children are more resilient, develop a strong feeling of self-worth and are prepared to meet challenges when they hear they are getting things right, that we approve and they know exactly what behaviour is expected. We call this ‘descriptive praise’. Children are wired to seek our attention and approval (although it may not always feel like it!). When we give positive attention for positive behaviour, we get more of what we’re after:
‘You were really honest and brave. I can see you’re worried about germs at school. I get that and let’s think about how you can feel safe.’
‘I love that you started that list. You know that being organised helps you feel less overwhelmed.’
‘You have put all your laundry in the basket. Let’s put that wash on together so it’s ready by tomorrow.’
‘I told Granny how sensible and thoughtful you’re being.’
Kids thrive on acknowledgement; they rise to meet the challenge and it builds self-esteem – all key attributes to managing transitions and thriving in uncertain times.
5. Focus on the family.
Many of our kids have been with us and their siblings for almost a year. We should expect that the return to school and away from the security of the family might feel strange and unsettling, regardless of their age or temperament.
The reliability of supportive relationships helps our kids feel safe and secure, and research shows that it builds resilience too. When the world is topsy-turvy, we need more than ever the time to connect and reconnect. As our kids go back, we should make every effort to keep the family rituals, the one-on-one time and the family fun going.
For younger kids and any still at home, keep the consistency of 10 minutes’ one-on-one time in the morning or after school to reconnect. For older kids or those away at school, make an extra effort – perhaps with a family WhatsApp group, with funny Touchtone cards of the dog, with FaceTime calls with grandparents, with plans for when you are together again... anything that reinforces the security, safety and support of those that love them.
Finally, this is a big transition and change for us as well. We have had our children near us for an unusual amount of time. Be patient and kind to yourselves as well as you adjust.
We have been reminded over and over this past year that the only constant is change. Transitioning back to a different type of school experience is one more. We know that when our kids have the chance to process and prepare for change, they are much more likely to feel calm and successful. When they feel competent and listened to, they feel strong and capable. Helping our kids manage uncertainty and setting them up for success is just one more way we can help them learn to cope and thrive with change and the unexpected twists and turns that life brings.
We wish you all the best for your return to school. If we can help with support and advice, please .