As children grow up, it can be tempting to bow to social pressure to help them fit in with their friends. If you suspect your child is being negatively influenced by their peers, what can you do to help – and how can you encourage them to say 'no' to their friends? The parenting experts at brilliant children’s mental health charity recently launched , an online parenting hub packed full of tips and advice on everything from sleep difficulties to bullying to anxiety. Below, they give us their advice on ...
Things you can try
Your child’s peers are important to them but, usually, you’re the one they’ll listen to the most
Start by understanding the pressures your child is facing to help you support them. Peer pressure is when your child is influenced by others in their age group. It can be a good and bad.
Types of peer pressure:
- Direct pressure – for example, pressure from others to dress or look a certain way.
- Indirect pressure - for example, unless you play this game or watch this program you can't be part of this friendship group'.
- Negative pressure - when a child is challenged to behave in a way that goes against their moral code or family values, such as treating someone badly, encouraging bullying or shoplifting.
- Positive pressure - when a child is influenced to do things that are healthy, age-appropriate and socially acceptable. For example, joining a club or getting homework done.
- Peer pressure can be exerted in different ways – including when your child is with others, or through social media.
Model being able to say ‘no’ and not going along with their pressure
Say ‘no’ calmly and firmly when you need to when your child tries to persuade you to let them join in with others. Even when they’re saying ‘Pleeeeeease’ or complaining that ’it’s not fair’ and ‘everyone else can’.
Support your child’s healthy friendships
Help them to recognise friends that truly care about them and those who don’t. Encourage your child to do things that make them feel good about themselves. This will mean that they are less likely to need the affirmation of others.
Why peer pressure is particularly challenging for Y5, Y6 and secondary school children:
- At this stage of their lives, they want to be accepted by their friends.
- They’re beginning to become more independent as a part of growing up.
- They’re working out what their values and beliefs and how these are different or the same as others.
- At this age children want to explore and think about the world and that includes taking risks and having fun with their peers.
- When children aren’t free to be themselves it can make them less confident which may lead to increased stress and anxiety.
Coach them in the process of thinking things over before deciding what to do
For example, saying ‘’ ok, so what would happen if you did that?’
When your child gives in to negative peer pressure:
- They may do something that they regret, and then feel guilty regretful, ashamed, embarrassed and even frightened.
- Resist the temptation to shame…everyone makes mistakes.
- Help them to think about this as an opportunity for learning. This will make them stronger and next time they may choose to behave differently.
Be calm and open to your child talking through the things that they want to do or have done in order to fit in even if it shocks you
Try: ‘Help me understand why you want to do/have that’.
The benefits of listening and empathy:
- Listen to your child when they are explaining to you what their values and beliefs are. This will make them stronger in who they are and less likely to follow others or be bullied.
- Empathise with the wish but stick to your boundaries. ‘I can see you would really like to watch X, but we are only watching films that are right for your age’.
Remember this is hard for you too
If you need it, get support from a partner or other parents. Everyone is in the same boat.
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