Exams have started for many of our teens, and for lots of parents there will be plenty of nagging, hovering and conversations that include the question ‘Shouldn’t you be revising?’
What we’d really like to know is why our teens can find it so hard to get motivated to do what needs to be done.
How can we help them do their best (but without the constant nagging) and develop the resilience to keep trying and persevering when things get tough?
How can we support our teens to adopt an approach that will help them in these exams AND set them up for a lifetime of learning rather than view these school years as a race (one that often feels like a marathon) across the exam finish line?
How can we convey that all this learning is for them and it’s not just to please, appease and satisfy us?
I’ve learned over the 38 years that my children have cumulatively been at school that they approach learning and exam revision differently depending on their temperament, the way their brains are wired, how they learn and their motivation. I’ve also learned, sometimes the hard way, that rewards, consequences and bribes may work in the short term, but they’re ineffective when it comes to more challenging and longer-term goals. The motivation to engage needs to be intrinsic and value-based rather than extrinsic or external.
If that’s the case, how do we inspire our children to build their own motivation and tenacity? We can begin by focusing on three essential needs: competence, autonomy and connection.
The of psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci sets out the important needs that underpin internal motivation: competence (a basic human need to develop skills and capabilities), autonomy (independence) and connection (to others, shared values and the world around us). This fits in very neatly with the skills I teach in my parenting coaching work and supports specific strategies that parents can use to help their teens meet these three essential needs, so they can develop their own internal motivation with a lot less nagging from us.
1. Competence
We all like to feel successful, and we’re much more inclined to keep trying when we feel capable and confident. We can support and nurture our children’s feeling of competence through the specific way that we notice and praise their efforts and the process they engage in. We’re programmed to notice the stuff that doesn’t work, but when we focus instead on pointing out the things our children get right, acknowledging even the tiniest steps in the right direction and the competencies they are building, we nurture a positive can-do attitude and create a vital connection with our kids.
Building competencies focused on attitude and effort rather than outcome is supported by research that shows that positive credible feedback facilitates intrinsic motivation. Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck’s extensive research on underscores this building of confidence around competencies. Rather than achievement, she suggests we focus on attitude and effort to help our kids develop a desire, or motivation, to learn:
‘[We] can praise wisely, not praising intelligence or talent. That has failed. Don’t do that any more. But praising the process that kids engage in, their effort, their strategies, their focus, their perseverance, their improvement, this process of praise creates kids who are hardy and resilient.’
Try this experiment. Over the coming weeks, search for and acknowledge the effort, the attitude and the small steps that your kids are taking. The amazing thing is that the more we search for the small steps, the positives, the improvements, no matter how tiny, the more we’ll see.
Here are a few key phrases that we can use to remind ourselves that it’s about how much our kids put in and how it feels for them rather than the outcome:
- Instead of saying ‘What did you get?’ or ‘Did you win?’, ask ‘How do you feel it (the exam/match/play) went?’
- Instead of talking about how proud they made you, tell them ‘You should be so proud of yourself.’
- Rather than asking about the mark in an exam or how everyone else did, focus instead on the effort they put in: ‘You’ve put in so much effort even though it’s really challenging, and you find it very hard. You’ve learned so much.’ ‘I know you tried and it can be frustrating that you’re not quite there yet.’ ‘How does that improvement make you feel?’
Descriptively praising every little step in the right direction, their strategies and their effort helps to build a positive relationship and trust while reinforcing their belief in themselves and feelings of competence and confidence.
2. Autonomy
We all like to feel in control, that we have choices and are not continually told what to do. The research bears out that when we allow our kids some autonomy and independence and involvement in decision-making, we slowly build their intrinsic motivation. Giving autonomy and choices empowers children, and the converse is that those being told what to do all the time are more likely to give up – with little ownership, they feel ‘Why bother?’.
Allowing some autonomy reduces resistance. Offering choices where we’re happy with either outcome increases cooperation and motivation:
- ‘Would you rather eat before or after you tackle that maths paper? I’m happy to do whatever works for you.’
- ‘I know you’re a bit overwhelmed with work. You can tidy your stuff whenever you feel you have time before the weekend.’
Taking the time to teach and train our kids to become independent builds their confidence, their self-belief and their skills. When they feel they’ve made decisions and choices, that they are independent and in control, they are more likely to take responsibility and ownership for their work, their actions and their behaviour.
3. Connection
It all comes back to connection. Listening, acknowledging emotions and seeking to understand the world from their point of view increase the likelihood that our children will venture out and push themselves. When children feel connected, we, as emotion coaches, open the lines of communication. Remember that it’s our job to find ways to open communication, not theirs:
- ‘I know that the last thing you feel like doing this morning is that English paper. It’s tough.’
- ‘I’m thinking that you’re worried about how it’s going to go tomorrow. It probably feels that you haven’t done enough revision. I’m here if you want to let off steam.’
When they feel listened to, heard and understood without judgement or criticism, their self-esteem improves, they feel stronger and are better prepared to give their best as well as weather inevitable setbacks. They feel able to fail and make mistakes, which means they’re prepared to try hard and take risks – all part of learning. When they’re well connected, not only to us but also to other important role models in their lives, they feel grounded and better able to take on board the values we share.
When life presents new experiences and challenges, our connected kids are more likely to talk and ask for help and support when they need it.
And finally, beware the weight of expectation. Children need to believe to their core that our connection, our love, is unconditional. Our expectations need to be reasonable and realistic, and they need to feel that we are always there with support without any judgement. Our children will then have the freedom to try hard, accept the risk of failure and stretch themselves.
When we say ‘You should be really proud of yourself’ rather than ‘We are proud of you’, we’re reinforcing the values that underpin their internal motivation. They know we are proud but they will come to realise that it’s their effort, their attitude and their perseverance that produce the satisfaction and build their own motivation to keep learning.