How to help our children be hopeful (especially right now)

It’s and the theme this year is ‘express yourself’. There has never been a more important time to help children talk about how they’re feeling. Self-expression plays a key role in building a sense of hope and purpose, and is a vital part of children’s overall wellbeing.

We can all use a little hope. It has a huge impact on mental health, wellbeing, relationships and overall success, especially in tough times. Children who are hopeful are more optimistic, more satisfied, more resilient, have a feeling of control over their lives, are problem-solvers and have stronger self-esteem.

But can we learn to be more hopeful?

The good news is that research indicates that hope can indeed be nurtured. Rather than being just a fuzzy, wishful feeling, it involves action and goals. As Brené Brown says in her book : ‘I was shocked to discover that hope is not an emotion; it’s a way of thinking or a cognitive process.’

The late psychologist CR Snyder said in his book that the recipe for hope has just three ingredients:

Setting clear, realistic goals.

Working out how we can reach those goals with flexibility and resilience.

Believing in ourselves – being motivated to get where we want to go.

Hope is a way of thinking that says: ‘I know what I want, I’m confident I can figure out how I can get there and I believe in myself.’

With this in mind, here are a few ways that we can help encourage hopefulness in our children:

Teach them about feelings

The language of feelings (and strategies to manage them) is something that we all need to learn. As a culture, we aren’t always great at talking about our feelings. But the more we’re aware of our childrens’ emotions and help them to label and put their feelings into words, the better they’ll understand and manage their feelings in a healthy way. The first step is to let them know that all feelings, however overwhelming they are, are OK. We want to send a message that says: ‘I’m here, listening and supporting and giving you space to express how you feel.’

Our children will not only learn how to manage and express their feelings, they will develop empathy too. When we invest our time in listening, giving them our full attention – showing a genuine interest in their thoughts, ideas and experiences and empathising – we are modelling our values and building a connection where our children are more likely to share and listen to us too. It might sound like this:

‘I am thinking you are SO frustrated that you can’t play football with your friends. It’s just not so much fun to play on your own. I get that. I am wondering how I can help?’

‘I know you want to do well and I imagine that you’re feeling anxious about these exams. It’s already January and you don’t know whether or how they will happen. That’s really hard. What are you thinking?’

Talk to children about their goals

We can help our children refine and put into words what they want – their goals. This can start when they’re young – ‘I can see you want the bubbles in the bath’ – and we can keep listening and talking as they get older: ‘So you want to try out for tennis when you get back to school?’ Let’s keep asking our children about their goals, dreams and wants.

Listening and showing understanding, helping them create their own goals and make their own choices (as much as we can and where appropriate) – while keeping our own expectations realistic – builds confidence, trust and connection.

If hope is essentially goal-directed thinking, we can all support children to set clear, realistic goals and make a plan to get there. Getting to the top level in their favourite video game or being the top scorer in netball will need to fit in with the rest of their commitments – and will need a plan.

We can also encourage our children to think of goals that would help them feel hopeful during this tough time. It can be small things – for example, if they say they feel sad that they can’t see their grandparents, they could make something that will cheer both themselves and their grandparents up.

One of the reasons that goal-setting is so powerful is that it gives our children a feeling of accomplishment, competency and confidence as they make progress towards a goal that stretches them. They learn to relish the journey as much as they celebrate the arrival, and enjoy devising strategies, overcoming challenges and developing perseverance and resilience along the way.

Take one step at a time

One of the reasons that we often end up not doing what we want is because it feels too hard or too big, like the promise we make to ourselves each year to start that diet or get more exercise. Working with our children to help them break goals down into small, achievable steps, with the next one just a little further than the last, helps them plot the path and grow their competence and confidence. Your child might say that they’d like to have more friends, learn to brush their teeth on their own or play on the netball team. These may be big goals that seem overwhelming or just too hard to know where to start.

So the child who would like more friends could be coached to make just one to start with or find one activity where they might meet new friends. The child who wants to brush their teeth by themselves might learn to put a pea-sized squirt of toothpaste on the brush; the child who wants to play on the netball team might start with just 10 minutes a day playing outside with you.

When each step is a little higher – a little more of a stretch than the previous one – children learn. We should notice and celebrate each tiny accomplishment, remind them of when they have succeeded in the past, empathise with the feelings and applaud the determination they are showing along the way. ‘Do you remember when you practised your talk to yourself and then to us before you did it at school? You were so well prepared! I think netball could be a little like that too.’

Praise the process

The approach can help us show our children the value of the journey, how to celebrate the struggle, the benefits of flexibility and perseverance and reinforce a hopeful mindset.

When we notice and mention the things our children get right, we’re showing them what’s important. When we point out that they are brave, courageous, kind, flexible, determined problem-solvers, and if we tell them so often enough and with sincerity, this soundtrack eventually becomes their own.

Acknowledging the process helps reinforce a growth mindset where our children believe that their gifts, talents or intelligence are not fixed, but instead that with effort, practice, determination and stretching for goals, they can grow, learn and improve. They may not know all those spelling words YET; they may not have aced their football trick YET; but they are hopeful that they will get there. It might sound like this:

‘Even though you found that maths sheet really hard and you had to try three different ways, you kept going. That’s perseverance! You should be proud of yourself.’

‘I know you find this uncertainty really tough. I imagine it feels hard to know where you should focus. I love that you are ploughing on with that really detailed list, checking stuff off and making a little progress every day.’

Encourage self-expression

Giving children the support and encouragement to express their authentic selves builds hope. The more they get the opportunity to experience lots of different things, the greater the chance that they will find their passion. Children discover passions at different ages and with varying levels of enthusiasm, so it’s great to keep going, as the confidence they gain and the competence they build contributes to their self-esteem.

Their passions might not necessarily be yours and we always need to check our expectations. I have learned so much from my own children exploring new things: the different blades of fencing, how to knit, goalkeeping (sort of!), a little gaming – not to mention how to reverse a horse trailer.

Of course, it’s wonderful when children adopt our love of cooking, football or singing – but it’s also great when they fall in love with their own interests that they can teach and share with us, whether it’s painting, knitting, sewing, coding or fishing. With no group activities in lockdown, now is the time to focus on getting ready for when restrictions are eased. Perhaps they can learn to tie flies for fishing, practise tricks for when football resumes or try making fun crafts for when the art club restarts.

Encourage and praise them for trying – children who feel comfortable expressing who they are tend to feel good about themselves. The tone that we set allows our children to feel secure and safe enough to show their vulnerability, to try new things, to be flexible and sometimes to fail.

And finally, we can’t forget the value of a good laugh. Laughter is such a good antidote to feeling hopeless and down. The more we can laugh together, as well as show our children how we laugh at ourselves, our own mistakes and misfortunes, the more hope we will build. I remember my parents telling us stories about their various mishaps that had us all bent over with laughter. Many have been passed down to the next generation. We don’t want to take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is both bonding and good for our health and our souls.

Hope is a great gift we can give our kids to build resilience and make the most of the good times – and get through the tough ones too. As CR Snyder pointed out: ‘When the going gets tough, the hopeful get going.’

If you’d like to find out more, join Heather’s six week positive parenting course. Starting on 23rd February, her live weekly classes will give parents the tools they need to stay calm, grow in confidence, deepen connections with their children - and help them thrive. For more information, click .

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How to help our children be hopeful (especially right now)

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