Christmas is in full swing. The decorations are up, the Nativity plays, concerts and Christmas lunches are on, the present lists are endless and, just as we are about to catch our breath, the school holidays will have begun.
I love this time of year but, under the weight of expectation for a perfect celebration and not to mention the shopping, cooking, creating, pleasing and appeasing, it’s tough to stay calm, relaxed and jolly.
But with preparation, a bit of expectations-management, a lot of gratitude and a focus on what Christmas celebrations mean, we can have a wonderfully merry time.
Make a plan
Planning helps us prioritise, manage our expectations and get organised, all of which help us to stay calm. When we’re relaxed, we’re better placed to embrace and enjoy the festivities. This planning exercise requires little more than making a list and checking it twice. It’s planning, but with honesty and soul-searching that will help us crack the Christmas-stress nut once and for all.
When thinking about what causes us to feel stressed and overwhelmed, we’ll usually find a pattern. Perhaps we panic as we’re frantically buying last-minute presents. Perhaps we’re anxiously thinking about how we’re going to keep the children from fighting in front of the grandparents again this year. Perhaps we start feeling resentful as we anticipate that everything will get left on our plate, or perhaps we’re already exhausted wondering about the never-ending perfect meals we’ll need to produce as our extended family moves in. If I’m honest, I know that children and dogs endlessly traipsing mud through the house always sets me off!
It’s self-awareness that helps us recognise and acknowledge the things that repeatedly push our buttons. Try this exercise: do your best to carve out a few minutes for a cup of tea and write down the things that inevitably get your pulse racing. Take each one and think about how they make you feel. The idea is to acknowledge the emotion, manage the expectations AND think about practical positive and manageable solutions that will help you be calm and confident.
One column might say: ‘I worry about finding presents that each of my children will really like and I end up overspending. Then I feel guilty.’ The next column might say: ‘I want to please my children and make them happy.’ The solution might be: ‘I’ll work out my budget now, talk honestly about presents and do my best to manage expectations. I’ll empathise when their wishes are inappropriate or not feasible and work on a list together that is reasonable for us. I’ll keep focused on the message that I want my kids to have about what Christmas means.’
You might write: ‘I always end up doing everything.’ You may acknowledge that you take on things because they get done right, faster, and it makes you feel worthy. You can break tasks down into things that you must do (and do as many as we can in advance), those that can be shared and done by your family with a little training and encouragement, and those that can be left out or left for another day (or year).
My column might say: ‘I have an eagle eye for mess and mud all over my kitchen and I get cross.’ I like things to be perfect and this is a) not much fun; b) unrealistic with an exuberant Christmas houseful; and c) less important than togetherness. I’ll work on proactively reminding everyone of the ‘dogs in the kitchen with too much mud on their paws’ rule without nagging. I’ll remember to point out when they get it right (the kids and the dogs) and calmly ask them for help when they don’t. I’ll remind myself that it is only mud and that I couldn’t be happier to have my family around me (and the dogs). As Brené Brown says: “The magic is in the mess.”
Embrace the emotions
Christmas can be an emotional time with great highs of joy, happiness, connection and gratitude, as well as lows such as disappointments, sadness from missing loved ones, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Part of planning and managing our expectations is to anticipate how we might all experience the holiday.
How we feel affects how we behave. When we see sulks, sibling scraps, a harsh response or slamming doors, it’s a reminder for us to pause, breathe and try to get underneath what we see and to how our children are feeling. Our responses will determine how they manage and move through these big and sometimes uncomfortable emotions. Rather than dismiss how they feel, brushing it under the tree or attempting to make them feel better, instead stop, listen, get curious and accept their emotions head on with empathy. We don’t need to accept inappropriate behaviour, but we want to send the message that ALL feelings are OK, and we’re here to help. Knowing that our relaxed, empathetic and validated response is the answer gives us the confidence to stay calm too:
- ‘I can see you’re disappointed and sad. You wish you had that present instead of Freddie. I know it’s hard when things don’t turn out as you had hoped or don’t seem fair, but it’s not OK to shout. When you feel a bit calmer, let’s think together about what you might try and do instead.’
- ‘You were so helpful yesterday clearing up before everyone arrives. It means so much to Grandpa to be coming this year. You sometimes feel uncomfortable having to sit and talk for what sometimes feels like a long time. I get that. I’m wondering whether you could think of a game that you might like to play together?’
Our understanding words are the soundtrack that our children will eventually adopt themselves as they learn to recognise, accept and manage their own emotions. Emotional intelligence is the bedrock of resilience, and it’s a wonderful Christmas gift to give your child.
Treasure the traditions
When I think back to childhood Christmases in New England, I don’t remember much about the presents or the sibling squabbles, but I do remember the little family traditions that made the season special. We were usually on our own as our family was back in the UK, but my parents made sure that they kept our family traditions alive. I remember the wooden puzzle that came out, cooking tiny mince pies with my mum, singing Christmas carols, the after-dinner games and my dad’s delight as he opened the new toothbrush that arrived each year in his stocking, asking, ‘How did they know?!’
For me, Christmas is about traditions, being together and being grateful. The past few years have reinforced for me that family rituals build connection and help kids feel safe, secure and part of a greater whole. There don’t need to be many things, they don’t need to be hard or complicated and you can make up your own. It could be as simple as lighting candles at dinner, hanging a special decoration, telling Christmas stories, decorating biscuits, making a special breakfast or playing a favourite game. There is also something comforting about knowing that your extended family is doing the same thing, even though they might be far away, and it can help us remember and feel close to those who have gone before.
My kids are now young adults. They have different personalities, like different things and experience the world in a different way. But one thing that pulls them together are our family rituals and traditions. Many things may seem almost insignificant but as they grow older and remind me how they treasure the little things, I realise just how important they are.
Be present
As the long school holidays approach, you may feel overwhelmed and anxious at the thought of juggling work, Christmas preparations and festivities while keeping the kids by your side and entertained. It may be that your tween or teen barricades themselves in their bedroom, and the anxiety you feel is about how you’ll manage to spend any time with them at all. Either way, being purposeful and brave about carving out quality time together is important. These are the times that build connection. It may not always seem this way, but to kids our time, undivided and uninterrupted, spells love. Maybe we need to push past the discomfort barrier to lie on the floor and play made-up games with a younger child. We may have to put our phones down and get creative to lure our older children out of their rooms to bake, play a family game or listen to their playlist as we decorate together, but the effort is worth it.
I love the metaphor of the emotional bank account as developed by Stephen Covey in his
7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. He defines the emotional bank account as one’s relationship with another and it’s based on trust. When our kids misbehave or don’t cooperate, and when we can’t seem to connect and communicate, it’s more often than not because the emotional bank account is running low. Deposits, such as spending quality time, listening, pointing out the things they get right, being affectionate and kind or speaking respectfully to our children, all build trust. When we make a withdrawal by using harsh words, not listening to them, being too busy to connect or being critical or judgmental, we need to pause, repair and refill their account. Making time this Christmas is a good place to start.
Ditch the guilt
Parenting and guilt seem to go hand in hand. We are so tough on ourselves. There is always something that we feel we could or should be doing or doing better. Christmas is a time when parenting guilt ratchets up a notch as we scramble to pull off that perfect Christmas. It starts for me earlier in the year when I hear from friends that they have finished their Christmas shopping, and it seems to reach a fever pitch as my Instagram feed starts filling up with perfect wreaths, decorations, happy families and Christmas goodies.
It’s great to have high aspirations, but when we are left feeling guilty about the things that we are not giving, doing and delivering, it isn’t a great place to be. What about a ‘good enough’ Christmas? Does that mean lowering our standards in some areas? Yes. Perhaps we won’t take the time to redecorate the tree after the children have had a go. Perhaps we embrace a messy kitchen or (heaven forbid!) leave the dishes in the sink as we play another game with the kids. Perhaps we decide to pick our battles with our teen (while keeping the important limits in place) or say ‘no thank you’ to an invitation.
Guilt can also get in the way of us looking after ourselves. I am a much nicer person when I have had some exercise, am rested and have had a bit of time to myself. We don’t need to feel guilty about taking a break, delegating jobs to the family or perhaps cutting back on all those homemade goodies. This Christmas, embrace and enjoy your family and cherish yourself.
And finally, gratitude. These past few years have shone a very bright light on the things for which I am truly grateful. My family has been my rock, and the love and appreciation I have for them is limitless. I hope that I show and tell them often just how much I am thankful and how much they are treasured. I wish everyone a bright, happy and healthy 2023.