Children鈥檚 Mental Health Week 2024: How to help your children to feel heard

This week is Place2Be’s . It’s an opportunity for us all to shine the light on the things we can do to help our children believe that their voice matters, to help them express themselves and to build a relationship based on openness, honesty and trust around mental health.

Children’s voices, thoughts and opinions matter. Place2Be asked children and young people what they wanted and needed from their parents to support their mental health – here is what they :

We don’t need to have ‘one-off conversations about our mental health’ – sometimes a chat on a journey or at bedtime is enough.

I need to know it’s OK to talk to you about any and all of my feelings. Please hear what I have to say, without interrupting me.

Please listen to me carefully and acknowledge how I am feeling – it might seem silly to you but what I am going through is important to me.

Sometimes I just need you to listen and hear what I’m saying – I don’t always need answers (or lectures).

Please don’t worry about trying to fix things for me – I often just need to know you are there for me and understand what I am going through.

Sometimes a hug is all it takes to make me feel supported.

Sometimes I don’t want to talk. Please trust that I will come to you (or another grown-up or someone my own age) when I’m ready. Sometimes it’s easier for me to talk to someone nearer my own age – my siblings, cousins, friends, younger teachers at school – because they ‘get it’.

These are just some of the things our children would like us to know.

We’re listening and we can help. It starts with a belief that good mental health is as important as good physical health and how we all feel matters. We all need to be able to talk openly about our feelings and know that our mental health is part of who we are. Although it sometimes feels that our children are more open and comfortable talking about their mental health, we’re all working hard and we’re getting better. The more we build trust, listen with empathy, and show our children that we want to understand and that we love them unconditionally, however they want to express themselves, the more confident and empowered they’ll feel to believe that their voice matters.

Here are steps we can take to give our children what they want and need:

Listen
When we listen, we find that there are plenty of things that we can do to empower our children to express themselves, improving their mental health and our connection and relationship. This means active, tuned-in and curious listening without interruption or judgement. As children tell us: ‘Please hear what I have to say, without interrupting.’ Listening means stopping what we’re doing and stepping into their world. I remember hearing: ‘Your children will never talk to you if they need to make an appointment.’ That’s so true. Let’s embrace the chat in the car, the bedtime check-in or the download over a game while lying on the floor. Some of our children are talkers, others are more introspective, and we want to work out how they each feel comfortable sharing and we need to be there to listen. Our children will stop trying to tell us their stories, their feelings and how life is for them if they get the message that we’re preoccupied or uninterested. It’s our body language and our responses that show we’re tuned in. We need to put our phones away out of sight – we know we get distracted by just the physical presence of a phone. We need to engage through eye contact or our voice. We don’t always need to peer into their eyes – some of the best conversations will be through ‘sideways talk’ in the car, washing dishes or playing. Boys especially can feel more comfortable talking when they don’t have to look you in the eye.

Listening gives our children the opportunity to share their feelings and it gives us the opportunity to understand. Good listening is hard. So often when I’m on the receiving end of my children’s thoughts, I want to interrupt and interject. It takes great self-control not to and I’ve taken to physically sitting on my hands to remind myself to LISTEN while I might respond with just a ‘Wow that’s tough’, a ‘Hmm’ or a ‘Goodness…’ It’s all about this great Stephen Covey quote: ‘Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply.’ Our children want us to listen to them carefully and sometimes I don’t want to hear what they have to say – it's painful, I don’t want them to suffer and often I want to fix it. When we remember that we’re listening so that our children know that we’re a safe space where they can share all their feelings and that we’re curious and want to understand their inner world, we can take a deep breath and just LISTEN.

Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Why do we hear so much about the need to validate our own and everyone else’s emotions? Because validation is crucial to our overall mental health and wellbeing. Children tell us: ‘Please listen to me carefully and acknowledge how I am feeling – it might seem silly to you, but what I am going through is important to me.’ Listening, acknowledging, empathising and sending the message to our children that all their feelings are valid and important helps them feel safe, heard and understood. Validation builds trust and connection, making it more likely that they’ll come to us when they face challenges and difficulties. Believing that their feelings are valid builds confidence, self-esteem and resilience, all of which empowers them to use their voice, speak out and speak up.

Get curious about what your child is feeling and reflect back the emotions you’re hearing in words:

‘I get it that you don’t want to go on the bus. I’m thinking that when you don’t know where you’re going to sit, you can feel embarrassed and lonely.’

‘I’m thinking you might wish you’d never said you wanted to try swimming. It’s really not what you expected, and you might even feel silly that you thought it would be fun.’

‘Because the maths is so hard, you feel stupid and like you’ll just never get it.’

We don’t have to agree with them, give in or embrace poor behaviour. We are validating the way they feel, showing them that their feelings don’t overwhelm us and that we are always there for them whether they need our help or not.

Use the language of emotion
The more we use and teach the language of emotions to our children, the broader their vocabulary and the better their emotional granularity becomes. Being able to deeply tune into and differentiate between emotional experiences helps them learn to find ways to manage emotions, build resilience and improve their mental health. We can help them get specific about their feelings. For example, how often do we hear our children say, ‘I’m so stressed!’ If we start by thinking about what they’re experiencing and how they might be feeling, we can drill down and help them get deeper into their emotional experience:

‘I get that, and I can imagine that you’re really nervous about your performance. It’s the first time in front of so many people and being anxious is completely natural.’

‘You put yourself out there for the team and that was brave. You might be thinking how embarrassed or humiliated you’ll feel if you’re not selected. That’s really natural.’

The more ‘feeling’ words we use every day to describe our own emotions, in conversation with our children and when observing all those around us, the more emotionally aware and empowered our children become. Talking about emotions makes conversations about mental health easier, more natural and just part of what we do.

How can I help? When our children share their feelings and thoughts, or when we see them struggling or failing, our instinct is to jump in to fix or manage or rescue. We do this out of love as we want to protect them and keep them safe – after all, we have the experience, the fully developed rational brain, and we usually have a pretty good idea of what to do next. It’s also usually a lot quicker when we solve the problem. As children tell us: ‘Please don’t worry about trying to fix things for me – I often just need to know you are there for me and understand what I am going through.’ If we jump straight to problem-solving without acknowledging or validating their emotions, or asking them how or if they want our help, not only might they stop sharing their problems, but we may also be taking away the opportunity for them to learn to process and manage their emotions, problem-solve and learn from their mistakes.

Be the supportive guide rather than the rescuer. Ask your child how you can help: ‘Will you let me know if and how I can help? I’m happy to just listen and try and understand.’ Open-ended questions are a great tool to help children think critically about a situation:

‘What do you think might help you here?’

‘Can you remember what you found worked when you felt this way before?’

Encourage brainstorming to help them learn that there is usually more than one way to move forward: ‘I’m wondering if you can think of three things you could try?’ Acknowledge any positive steps in the right direction, focusing on their effort and attitude regardless of the outcome: ‘Even though you were angry, you realised that it was because you’re so frustrated and annoyed that you lost. I would feel that way too. It's because you care. I love that you’ve all decided to practise your shots on goal for next week.’ Supportively guiding rather than rescuing.

Embrace their voices
We can all encourage the expression of thoughts, opinions and feelings at home. We can make our homes a safe place where we all listen to each other respectfully without judgement and where, however we choose to express ourselves, it’s valued. We can lead the way by expressing our own feelings and opinions and encourage good meaningful discussions. Many families find that regular family meetings starting at a young age – where everyone has a chance to contribute, share and voice their opinions – are a great way to learn the importance of listening and compromise while building a sense of belonging. Teaching our children to be curious and respectful and not judgmental of different opinions and feelings teaches empathy and consideration. For us to create this safe, secure space where our children truly believe they can use their voice to express themselves, can take courage and vulnerability. When we take the time to ask, children and young people tell us what they want and need from us. We have listened, heard and understood, and we can do this!

Heather is the founder of The Parenting Partnership and an experienced parenting educator supporting parents to help their children thrive. For further information and to find out how Heather can help, please get in touch at heather@theparentingpartnership.com or via her website: , where you will find a wealth of resources.

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Children鈥檚 Mental Health Week 2024: How to help your children to feel heard

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