Children鈥檚 Mental Health Week 2023: how connection can help support our children鈥檚 wellbeing

We’re delighted to be joining ’s upcoming to raise awareness of children and young people’s mental health.

This year’s theme is Let's Connect – and we’re focusing on the vital role that our connection plays in supporting our children’s mental health and well-being.

Connection is at the heart of our parenting. The deep connection that children feel with their parents or caregivers lays the foundation for their healthy development and builds cooperation, self-esteem, emotional intelligence and resilience, as well as giving us joy. I’ve learnt over the years that when parenting inevitably hits a rough spot, greater connection will always be part of the solution that helps to get things back on track.

Connection is about tuning in to and meeting our children’s need to feel safe, secure and seen. When our kids feel that deep consistent, unwavering connection, the feelings of belonging and acceptance build the self-worth and confidence they need to learn and grow, as well as rise to challenges and recover from setbacks.

When our kids feel deeply connected, everything – whether it's developing trust, setting boundaries, teaching good habits, passing on our family values or just enjoying each other – feels and works better. Connection helps us all learn to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to make mistakes and then say sorry and make amends. Connection provides the glue that binds us through the inevitable ups and downs of family life.

Can connecting with our kids feel hard at times? Absolutely. Connection might not be the first thing that springs to mind when faced with the challenge of a tantrumming seven-year-old or a monosyllabic and offhand 14-year-old. But if connecting can be part of our response, we’ll be deepening our relationship and seeing fewer and fewer challenging misbehaviours. As parenting expert Laura Markham points out: ‘Connection is the only reason that children cooperate.’

Connecting with our kids takes patience, time and sometimes hard work. According to researcher Prof Brene Brown: ‘Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued.’ It’s up to us to make the energy happen.

Here are five things that we can do to make connection a central part of our family lives.

Be curious
Our children feel connected when we show that we’re genuinely interested – when they feel seen and understood. One of the most powerful ways that we can connect is through genuine curiosity. Think how it feels when someone shows a deep interest in you, your thoughts and your passions – it feels good and deepens your relationship and your trust. Focus in on the things your kids love. It may be their latest music, sewing, a sport, their friends, spiders, games (on and offline) – the list is endless. Put down your phone, drop your agenda and delve into their world.

For a young child, you might get down on their level and ask, ‘I love that painting. I’m wondering why you decided to make the sun blue?’ As they grow, you might ask them to choose the music they like in the car or ask to watch their favourite show when you’re together. If they develop a passion for something you know little about (let’s take fencing as an example, as I have a little experience with this one), show an interest. They may not admit it, but they’ll be pleased that you’re trying to learn. You could ask them about the different blades, the piste, the scoring and whether you can come and watch. If they’re not forthcoming, do a little research and you might come out with ‘Why have you chosen the épée over the foil?’ No matter their age, genuine curiosity about their interests, thoughts and feelings builds vital connection.

Show empathy
We connect when we show empathy. Empathy is our parental superpower. Just as we need to understand who they are, we need to understand how they feel. Sometimes we won’t get it right; sometimes it won’t be easy to stay quiet and just listen. Sometimes it will feel hard when they share their painful emotions. We often dismiss their feelings or offer solutions, rationale or sympathy. We don’t want them to feel hurt, let down or embarrassed. I have heard myself say all these things: ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone to sit with on the bus tomorrow’; ‘It’s not that complicated – if you would just decide, you’ll feel better’; or ‘If you’d studied a bit harder rather than spending every night gaming, the outcome might have been different.’

Empathy is not about dismissing, brushing aside or taking the feelings away, it’s about sitting beside our children and letting them know they are not alone. So instead we might say: ‘That must have been so hard to get on the bus when no one had saved you a seat. You probably felt embarrassed and maybe lonely. I would hate that too’; ‘It’s hard to decide sometimes when we’re worried about making a mistake. I’m wondering if that’s how you feel?’; or ‘I can see you’re really disappointed. You wanted to do well.’

Empathy and validation open the door for our children to share their big emotions. Listening, naming and normalising emotions is a huge part of coaching children to build emotional intelligence and make healthy connections. Real empathy means listening without judgement (or interrupting) and trying instead to understand what it feels like to be them. As Brene Brown says: ‘Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.’ To be open to our influence, our kids need to feel connected. And to feel connected, they need us to be a safe space where all feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, can be given a voice and shared. We need to work hard to be that space for our kids.

Be respectful
Our kids feel connected when they feel respected, when we show them that we see them for who they are, with their unique personality, likes and dislikes. Each of us has a unique temperament, a set of traits that determines how we interact with the world. Our child may be intense, sensitive and persistent or they may be flexible – introverted with a glass-half-full view on life. It’s our job to try and understand and respect their temperament and accept their unique qualities. We don’t want to change them but rather help them learn about themselves so they can optimise their strengths and minimise their weaknesses. If we ignore the way our children are wired, they’re more likely to feel misunderstood and disconnected. Rather than saying to a child who finds it hard to adapt to new things, ‘Oh come on, you’ll be fine. Let’s go’, you might say, ‘I can see you taking your time and thinking this through. That’s a good plan, as you like to know what’s happening and what to expect.’ We want our kids to feel ‘Wow they get me!’

We still show respect when our kids make mistakes. As Drs Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain in their book No Drama Discipline, ‘Connection means that we give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, that we value their contribution to problem-solving and that we communicate to them that we're on their side – whether we like the way they’re acting or not.’ Discipline means ‘to teach’, and repeatedly connecting with our kids first with empathy and validating their feelings, rather than meeting them with judgement, control or punishment, helps them feel unconditionally loved, understood and safe. It’s about keeping our boundaries – all children need boundaries – but doing it with connection and respect.

You might say, ‘You get so cross when Imo takes your stuff from your room without asking. I would too.’ We’re not agreeing with the behaviour of waltzing into her sister’s room and dumping out her cupboard, but we’re respecting how she feels. This may be enough to help her feel calm, understood and loved so she can share her feelings, make amends and start to find an appropriate solution for the next time.

Make deposits in your child’s emotional bank account
I love this metaphor for our relationships, our connections. Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, explains that when we make deposits into our accounts with each other through being kind, honest, keeping our promises, being interested, setting clear expectations, saying sorry, etc, we build up a reserve. With our kids, the all-important trust they feel towards us gets stronger. On the other hand, if we don’t listen, show disrespect, overreact, are unreliable, ignore them and have unclear or inconsistent expectations, eventually our account with them tips into the red. We don’t want to be overdrawn. A deeply connected, trusting relationship has many more deposits than withdrawals.

Clearly some withdrawals are an inevitable part of life. We are a work in progress, not perfect, and we’ll make mistakes. When this happens, we need to own up and apologise. ‘I’m so sorry that I raised my voice at you.’ ‘I’m sorry that I’m late collecting you. I know how much you hate that. No excuses. I just left too late.’ It’s an important life lesson to learn to reconnect and repair relationships after arguments and disagreements. An account that is refilled or topped up is always more resilient to withdrawals.

When our kids make mistakes, are out of sorts or don’t follow our instructions, it’s likely because they feel disconnected to us, and their account needs topping up too. Top-ups come through lots of positive affirmations, special time together, a smile when they walk in the door, a little act of kindness, understanding or a big hug. We can ask ourselves, ‘What have I done to top them up today?’

Be a role model
We are our children’s first and greatest teacher. Our kids observe and absorb all that we do and say. One of the best ways to teach them the importance of connection is to show them. Think about the day-to-day interactions in your life and how you connect with your family and others around you. You might say out loud: ‘I must ring Aunty Emma. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of days, and I want to check that she’s OK’; ‘I was feeling a bit overwhelmed last week, so I made sure I spent some time with my friend Bill. He is such a good listener. I can tell him how I really feel’; or ‘I just had the nicest chat with Mrs Taylor across the road when I collected that parcel. She is so kind and funny.’ We’re also teaching our kids the value of connections when we express our happiness: ‘I love seeing those girls each week as they make me happy. There’s nothing like a good laugh.’ Or perhaps our sadness when we lose someone dear to us: ‘I really miss Grandad. I think about him so often. I miss that cheeky laugh. I bet you miss him too.’ I

f connecting is the energy between us and our kids when they feel seen, heard and valued, all the hard work it takes to create that force between us will be worth it. Sometimes it will feel difficult. When we’re busy, aren’t ready, don’t want to hear what they have to say or if their interests are so different from our own that we need to dig deep, we remind ourselves of the huge payoff that comes for pausing and tuning in. Thanks to Place2Be for raising the awareness that this week and every week, connection is the glue that binds us as families, friends and communities.

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Children鈥檚 Mental Health Week 2023: how connection can help support our children鈥檚 wellbeing

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