Ask our SEND expert: one of my child's friends at school has a range of special educational needs. How can I explain this to my son?

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Perhaps your child is struggling at school – and you’re tearing your hair out about how you can best support them to achieve as much as they possibly can. Or maybe they’ve already been diagnosed with a specific learning difficulty and you need help untangling a knotty issue. Talk 用帥杏’s SEND expert, Silja Turville, has all the answers and she’s here to help: email your SEND-related questions to talk@talkeducation.com and we’ll publish Silja’s response here.

As an educational consultant and neurodiversity coach focused on supporting families with children with additional needs, Silja is director of Acorn to Oak 用帥杏 – and passionate about sharing her knowledge to help parents. This week, Silja advises a parent how to explain additional needs to her son.

One of my child's friends at school has a range of special educational needs. How can I explain this to my son, and how can I support the child's parents? I'm worried about saying the wrong thing.

It is great that you want to increase your son’s understanding of additional needs and neurodivergence.

We typically suggest explaining that everybody’s brain works differently and to normalise the fact that we all have different strengths and abilities.

Sometimes our strengths are visible and sometimes invisible, and it can be the same for our challenges. Sometimes they are visible and sometimes not. For example, you could explain that if you are worried about something, it may not be apparent to anyone else unless you say it.

It can also be useful to explain that we all experience the world around us in different ways. This might mean that noises and smells are overwhelming to some and not to others.

Many neurodivergent children experience bullying and feel excluded. The greatest support that your son can offer is to include his friend in activities and to ask him how he can be helpful if the need arises.

Parents of neurodivergent children also report feeling invisible, as others sometimes find it hard to invite their children over and other parents can be uncomfortable about having a discussion with them. The best support you can offer as a parent is to include this child’s parents as you would other parents and ask if there is any way you can help.

Likewise, if you plan a playdate, do ask the child and their parents what would be helpful in terms of activities, food and the environment at home. It is also useful for you and your son (if he feels able to) to discuss with the other family and your son’s friend how best to support him if he finds anything challenging, including what helps him to feel settled. Discussing with the other family how long a playdate should be is helpful, as it may work to have a shorter time together at the start or to allow for a familiar person to be present for some of the time.

It is great that you have been thinking about this and there are no set answers here. It is about what each person needs and finds helpful. We can only find this out by having a supportive conversation and continuing to do so.

If you are still having difficulties or need further support, please do contact our SEND advisory team.

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Ask our SEND expert: one of my child's friends at school has a range of special educational needs. How can I explain this to my son?

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