Perhaps your child is struggling at school – and you’re tearing your hair out about how you can best support them to achieve as much as they possibly can. Or maybe they’ve already been diagnosed with a specific learning difficulty and you need help untangling a knotty issue. Talk ÍÑ¿ã°É’s SEND expert, Silja Turville, has all the answers and she’s here to help: email your SEND-related questions to
talk@talkeducation.com and we’ll publish Silja’s response here.
As an educational consultant and neurodiversity coach focused on supporting families with children with additional needs, Silja is director of Acorn to Oak ÍÑ¿ã°É – and passionate about sharing her knowledge to help parents. She lives in London with her children and a very excitable Labradoodle. This week, Silja has advice for parents of children who find it hard to go to school...
My teenager suffers with anxiety, and I also suspect sensory issues within school. They find it hard to go to school, and some days even though I drive there with my child, I still cannot encourage them to go into the building – whole weeks can go by without them attending school. I have tried explaining the situation to the school but they seem to feel we are bad parents for not ‘making’ our child attend.
Thank you for sharing this with us. We appreciate how stressful and challenging it is for families when a child is not able to attend school even though there are clear needs that are well understood by the school.
When the reason for a child not being in school is due to mental-health-related needs or the right support not being available, this is commonly more challenging to resolve and we are sorry to hear it is causing difficulty.
As with every challenge that a child can face, we would highlight the value of parents not judging their child’s experience and providing a safe place to share what is happening for them. This is not ‘giving in’ to your child but a way of helping them to process what is going on – and helping you gain understanding of what is working and what is not working. Emotional safety at home and at school are key elements of successfully managing these situations, and showing at home that you are not afraid of your child’s experience and what they are feeling is a way to move towards this.
We recommend that parents bear in mind that schools have a duty to provide reasonable adjustments for health- and SEND-related needs (as is the case for employers in the workplace). This includes mental-health-related reasons, so it is not too much to ask for support in these areas for your child.
While your child may have been initially responding to stress and anxiety or sensory difficulties, it sounds as though the discussions and difficulties that can emerge over a child not being in school may have led to a situation that has become more like a school phobia. This is where difficulties of some sort have caused trouble for a child and where, even if those difficulties were removed, the child may still experience a high level of stress, anxiety and even shame about school attendance. Sometimes parents report to us that it seems that the school is addressing the initial difficulties that emerged, whereas parents are seeing a much larger reaction and all-encompassing trauma-style reaction in their child. This can be distressing for the child as well as the family.
Our advice in these situations tends to include ensuring that you have as much documentary evidence of the nature of your child’s struggles as possible, as sometimes schools can find it easier to respond to this kind of reporting. If you have not already done so, we recommend booking your child in to see a clinical psychologist or, as you mention sensory needs, an educational psychologist or specialist with expertise in this field. This should help explain what is happening for your child and, crucially, what accommodations they would benefit from in school. Also, consider what support can be put in place for your child out of school. For example, might they benefit from counselling or some other kind of therapy such as art, music or drama therapy to help them work through their feelings? Or perhaps mentoring – speaking with a trusted adult to share what is happening with them?
It may be that you are already in receipt of this kind of information and have put in place support with the help of the school’s SEND team and, so far, it has not worked. In this situation, we would suggest continuing to advocate for your child in school and exploring any ways forward that they might participate in. For example, are there more radical solutions that could help your child re-engage with school? Can their subject load be reduced? Would they feel able to return to school if, to start with, they attended lessons in their favourite subject, on the basis that this could be widened to include other subjects as they are able? Are they being offered regular discussions with a member of the school team they have a good relationship with, so there is an open line of communication with the school?
If discussions are becoming strained or are not making progress (as it appears to be here), it may be time to seek the input of a specialist in attendance, mental health and sensory needs to develop a detailed plan with you and the school that is workable from your and your child’s perspective. This can take some of the emotional charge out of the discussion and help re-focus on the practical steps that can be taken.
It is also worth considering whether a fresh start in a different school might help. Sometimes this is the best option for families and their children. However, we recommend that parents reflect on what support and environment their child needs in school, and whether a new school would truly have the right skills, knowledge and environment for them – or whether it would mean a recurrence of the same challenges in a different setting.
We appreciate how stressful this situation is. However, it does present an opportunity for helping your child to experience what it is like to overcome challenges with your support – and to learn the skills and the self-knowledge that will help them to be more resilient in later life. If this is the outcome that you achieve, with your child knowing that they can trust and rely upon your support and encouragement during the toughest of times, it is one of the most precious gifts that can be given.
If you have any questions about or how we can help, please contact our . We are here to talk, and can help you identify schools that meet your child’s needs, draw up shortlists of potential schools or colleges and help with applications.