Summer finally seems to be here, exams are over (or if not will be soon), and a lovely long break from the everyday school routine is just on the horizon. Along with the sense of release (and relief) this can bring for the teens themselves, their parents can find themselves faced with the worries of helping them get safely through a few weeks of parties and gatherings before term gets going again. So, what can you do? Here is some advice from my first book for parents, ‘I Wish I’d Known – Young People, Drugs and Decisions’ (Sheldon Press, 2021) which I hope will help.
Staying safe at parties
Teenage parties create a unique space in which a vast array of different families’ - often very different - boundaries, rules and expectations all come together under one roof for the night. Nowhere is this more true than in two key components of the average teenage party: alcohol, and adult supervision. Whether your teenager is host or guest, it’s important you feel comfortable with whatever these are, and confident your child will be safe - as well as having a great time, of course. Keeping in mind all we’ve learned about that adolescent social sensitivity and quest for independence, it’s also important the conversations about parties and expectations take on board all the best advice of the previous chapter, because they may not always run smoothly. Clarity, openness, and mutual agreement are key to peace of mind all round.
The teenage party guest
Whether your child thinks so or not, it’s always acceptable to contact the parents of the hosting teenager, especially with younger teens. By doing this you can make sure you have the right number for them in case you need it, make sure they have your number in case they need it themselves, check the address and the start and finish times, and ask what the plans are for alcohol and adult supervision. In terms of your child, all the safety advice in the rest of this chapter holds true for teenagers heading off to parties as for any other night out: make sure their phone is charged, make sure they have a plan for getting home safely and agree when that will be, stick with their friends, be careful around alcohol, and so on.
The teenage party host
I’m someone who loves a plan and a list, and often has multiple lists and overlapping plans on the go, but whether you are too, or whether you’re not, preparation is key to a happy, safe party. Working on plans with your child can be one of those lovely opportunities for spending time together, and despite perhaps feeling daunted, it can be lots of fun. It also gives your child a sense of responsibility and ownership. Of course, all the advice below is very dependent on the age of your child, and on your own family dynamics and boundaries, but there may be some useful suggestions you can take on board, adapt or ignore.
Party planning:
Here are some questions you could work through together:
- How many people will be invited and who will they be? Are there people either of you would feel less comfortable being there?
- How will they be invited? Even if you try to avoid social media by using paper invitations it’ll most likely end up there anyway, so make sure your child keeps invitations as closed and secure as they can.
- When will it start, and when will it finish? Be mindful of neighbours’ ears, and parents’ bedtimes.
- Which rooms will be used, where will be out of bounds, and how will guests know this? It’s good to limit the space if you can. It’s also a good idea to remove anything from that space that might get damaged or go missing.
- What food will you serve? It’s a good idea to plan a carb-heavy menu to line those stomachs, especially if there’s going to be alcohol, and avoid salty snacks which can make people thirstier and wanting to drink more.
- How many adults will you have there, who will they be, what will they be doing and where?
- Will you have alcohol? If you do, and the guests will be under 18, you need to contact their parents and check they are happy with this, and note their consent down. Explain what your plans are for what will be served, how much, and how it will be managed. It’s a good idea to avoid a bring your own bottle plan, even if you confine this to non-alcoholic drinks. If you have a ‘no-bottles’ rule, then a sneaky bit of vodka disguised as a bottle of water or hidden in a fizzy drink is less likely to find its way in, though there are many more sneaky ideas than that up teenagers’ sleeves, and this is hard to avoid altogether.
- What will you do about drugs? It’s important your child is aware that if drugs are shared and used on your premises then you are responsible legally, as well as having a moral responsibility for the welfare of young people in your home, especially if they are under 18. If you find someone smoking cannabis in the garden will you call their parents, send them home, or just tell them to stop? What about pills, cocaine, or ketamine? If your child is clear what will happen, then they can tell their friends.
Hosting a safe party:
- Arrivals: try to have just one way in and out, and to have that supervised by one of your adults (depending on the age of your child). Even though they might not be keen on this idea, your child won’t want gate-crashers any more than you do. Guests can be welcomed, and checked off the guest list if you have one, and this is an opportunity for you to collect parents’ contact details in case they’re needed later. It’s a good idea to ask guests as they arrive to switch any location settings off in their social media systems that might let people not at the party know where all those amazing photos are coming from, to avoid uninvited guests turning up at your door. You can at this point suggest you take people’s bags to keep them safe, as a bit of an attempt to bypass any unwanted alcohol slipping in. This is also a chance to let guests know where an adult will be for the evening. Sometimes teenage party guests find they need to take a bit of time out and spend some quiet moments with a responsible adult.
- Food: it’s a good idea to limit the amount of food out at any time so you can keep bringing fresh supplies into the room, which gives you an excuse to do a bit of unobtrusive mingling while keeping an eye on proceedings.
- Drinks: if you are having alcohol, stick to low-alcohol drinks like beers or lagers, or some of the lower-alcohol mixers, and make sure there are plenty of soft drinks available as well as water. Some parents issue raffle tickets with one or two drinks per guest. Others set up a ‘bar’ with one of their adults as bartender, who can keep an eye out and maintain control, or even make cocktails, which can be mostly or entirely non-alcoholic, and definitely get less alcoholic as the evening wears on and spirits rise. If you have an unsupervised bar area, put out small amounts at a time, and avoid open drinks like punch which are easily spiked.
It can be fraught, but it's also perfectly possible to have fun. It’s a great chance to connect with your teenager – and hopefully with their friends, and their friends’ parents – and another step on this journey together exploring their evolving, emerging, not quite yet adult selves.
Fiona Spargo-Mabbs OBE
Director and Founder of drug education charity the Daniel Spargo-Mabbs Foundation and author of the award-winning ‘I Wish I’d Known: young people, drugs and decisions – a guide for parents and carers’ (Sheldon Press, 2021) and ‘Talking the Tough Stuff with Teens – making conversations work when it matters most’ (Sheldon Press, 2022)