A-level and GCSE results day: how to feel prepared, whatever the outcome

We’re in the full flow of the summer holidays and it hardly seems possible that A-level and GCSE results are just around the corner. Our teens may be enjoying a much-needed rest from stressful months, even years, of preparation, but we’re approaching results day and it’s time to get ready.

We are deluged with invaluable practical information on how to interpret GCSE results and navigate UCAS, and it’s important to get prepared for any eventuality – but it’s equally, if not more important to prepare emotionally too. In the days leading up to results, as well as afterwards, it’s our job to help uncover the emotions and prepare for the feelings that surround results day, and provide the support, guidance and connection that our children will need no matter what it brings.

Having checked out of school for a while, they may find it difficult or uncomfortable to jump into a discussion on exam results but it’s all part of preparing emotionally while building trust and connection. The wonderful part of the long summer break, away from the intensity and pressure of school, is that there are plenty of opportunities to catch up and spend quality time with our children. This connection, along with communication and confidence, is a key part of results-day prep.

The Build-up

Listen

Over the next few days, find quiet, relaxed times to check in with your teen about the big day: ‘I imagine that you’re getting a bit nervous about next week. Perhaps you’re worried that the results are not going to be what you had hoped. That’s scary, hard and so normal. What help would you like from me?’

Have open-ended chats that give your child the chance to express and give voice to how they’re feeling. We’re listening, nodding, letting them know we are there, without denying their feelings or showing pity, criticism or judgement.

As we listen and observe, it helps to remember that our teens are a work in progress, still on the path to becoming fully-fledged adults. As we mature, we learn to regulate and manage our emotional responses – we learn how to manage our worries and fears effectively so that we aren’t overwhelmed. Our kids may not be there yet. They are experiencing a major milestone, so it’s no wonder that we might see emotional responses – whether it’s slamming doors when we try to talk, tears or withdrawing. How we feel affects what we do. As we listen, we help with our understanding and compassion to support and guide them back to a calmer place.

Remind your teen that it’s completely natural and normal to feel anxious – it is, after all, the unknown – and each of our teens will feel and respond differently depending on their temperament. We know our children best and giving them the chance to share gives us the chance to listen; to help them recognise the emotion; to empathise; and to support them.

Build your connection

Our kids are open to our support and influence and more likely to seek our counsel when they feel deeply connected to us. Yes, it gets harder as they move through their teen years but it’s never more necessary and it’s never too late. We’ll need to work hard – and it’s our job, not theirs – to keep the connection going. Isn’t the summer, when we’re less absorbed and pressured, a wonderful opportunity to seek out those precious chances?

Here are three ways we can build the connection and support our teens through exam results and the months and years beyond:

Make time. Few things are as healthy, beneficial or crucial as the time we spend together as a family. Frequent meals together, card or board games, walks or time just messing around nurture that feeling of belonging and build the confidence and resilience that help our kids manage the bumps on their journey, as well as embrace opportunities to thrive. It’s easy to be busy and harder to put this precious time with our kids first.

Set a positive tone. Noticing and descriptively praising all the little things our teens get right – especially the tiny steps in the right direction, their attitude and effort – helps improve our relationship, builds their self-esteem and improves behaviour. It’s a refreshing change from nagging and it gets results! Our positive attention (it must be credible and honest) motivates them to do the right thing, reinforces their self-belief and builds our connection. It might sound like this:

‘You were really patient with your cousin this weekend.’

‘You put your clothes in the laundry room. Thanks.’

‘I appreciate you telling me your plans for this weekend. I love hearing what you’re up to and that sounds so fun. When the dishwasher is emptied, then we can set the table.’

Doesn’t it sound appealing to spend time with someone who points out all the stuff you get right and models an honest positive outlook on life? I think so. Changing the tone of your relationship means that our kids are more likely to share with us as well as listen. Rather than ‘Oh, here she goes again’, they’ll be more trusting, open and even interested.

Validate their ideas, thoughts, and opinions. The summer is a superb time to involve the whole family in the great art of conversation. Actively and respectfully listening demonstrates a real respect for and acknowledgment of the value of each of our children’s unique contributions. Not only do they feel heard but when we validate their contributions, we’re sending the message that they’re respected for who they are, thoughts and all. When we feel accepted, we’re more likely to feel connected. We don’t have to agree with them, but they need to feel heard:

‘Could you let Emma finish? I want to hear what she thinks.’

‘Thanks for that great explanation. I have a different opinion and I am really happy to hear yours.’

Results Day

Be the parent

Should your expectations be out of sync with the reality of your teen’s results, it will be a good time to be honest and acknowledge your own emotions. If the results are disappointing, you’ll need to calmly work through and accept your own feelings before you can offer the sincere support and reassurance that your teen will need. Try to respond rather than react. Take a deep breath and rather than reacting with ‘Well, if you had only revised a bit harder, as I kept reminding you’, you can respond with empathy: ‘Oh, I can see how disappointed you are.’

Be the Emotion Coach

Should the results be all you had hoped for or better, it’s time to celebrate and acknowledge their hard work. If the results are disappointing, our job is to put our own agenda aside and focus our loving attention on our child. Start by putting yourself in their shoes (no matter how uncomfortable it might feel) and think how they are feeling – perhaps they’re anxious, angry, frustrated or deeply disappointed. How we feel affects our behaviour and our goal is to teach our kids to manage their emotions in a healthy way. As their emotion coach, we want to imagine and name the feelings rather than dismiss or try to take them away. This helps our children learn to understand, recognise, and handle their emotions:

‘Maybe you’re feeling really angry about these results. I get that.’

‘I imagine you’re SO frustrated as you worked really hard for so many months.’

‘I know how much you wanted those results. You may just wonder what the point was.’

Once you’ve calmly connected with empathy rather than trying to change how they might be feeling, you can slowly nurture and guide them towards acceptance and possible solutions.

Being an emotion coach to our kids – on this day or any other – helps them learn the vital skill of emotional intelligence. We all need to recognise, understand, acknowledge and move through our feelings before we can start to positively connect with practicality and reason.

Remember they are teenagers

Assuming that you are with your teen (given they are teens, that certainly may not be the case), it’s more than likely they will want to head off and celebrate or commiserate with their friends. Teens by nature and necessity increasingly move to the beat of their peers rather than their parents, and it will come as no surprise that they will want to be with their friends. Embrace this positively rather than taking it personally, and plan a time to celebrate when you are all back together again.

All is not lost

As we like to prepare for all eventualities, let’s address what happens if your child receives their results, they’ve fallen short of expectations and you react in a less than helpful way – perhaps showing your disappointment, anger or frustration. You’ve muttered, ‘I knew you hadn’t done enough work!’ There is little to be gained from quietly feeling guilty. You can’t relive the moment, but you can make amends, turning a low parenting moment into an opportunity to teach the importance of reparation while rebuilding your child’s self-esteem:

‘I’ve been thinking about your exam results, and I want to apologise for how I reacted. I was disappointed for you as I know how much the exams mean to you. I didn’t show much empathy and I am sorry.’

No matter how you responded, you want to empathise with how they might be feeling. You can show your confidence and belief in their resilience by pointing out times they showed perseverance, tenacity and determination. You can help your child regain their dignity and rebuild their self-belief while reinforcing your relationship and enabling them to focus on the future.

Results day, after years of hard work, is a huge milestone on our children’s journey. It may be the start of the adventure they had hoped for, it may be an opportunity to take another path or it may be time to regroup and re-evaluate. As with any milestone – whether it’s a celebration or a setback – the emotional and practical preparation through good communication, compassionate listening and focusing on what we can control gives you a wonderful opportunity to support your child while strengthening your relationship.

We wish you all the best for results week!

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A-level and GCSE results day: how to feel prepared, whatever the outcome

TE Schools Advice